Who came up with the idea for ‘Ready to assemble’ furniture?  Was it some evil group of very rich and powerful furniture barons who wanted to expand their market???  A group that seeing a down tick in the sales of finely crafted furniture wanted to teach us all a lesson?  (That lesson: Buy the more expensive non-puzzle like furniture, it will lengthen and improve the quality of your life!)

Or was it the lumber companies with huge piles of sawdust that they needed to dispose of… it might have been that one lumber company employee who came up with the brilliant idea of mixing that sawdust with glue, forming it into particle board and then cutting that up into the pieces that make up the ready to assemble furniture???  Thanks smart employee for a great idea…  now who are you so I can get some of my life back?

From the time that I was in High School to the present, a couple of times a year I get the privilege of becoming a furniture assembler.  Now, this isn’t a job I’ve trained for.  I never took wood shop, and usually wind up getting wood glue on more of me, than the Ready To Assemble (RTA) furniture.  But it never fails, there is always a trip to the store to get some kind of RTA in my future.

Right now, I’m in the midst of a RTA warning issued by the RTA storm tracking center in Prosperity, South Carolina.  I am currently replacing old furniture in my kid’s rooms, and other parts of the house in the near future.

The first category 5 storm (RTA storms do not follow the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale, but the scale of “what  size of a pain in the bottom it is to me”.. the scale runs from 1-6 and at times extends into infinity) arrived on my shore about a week ago.  I had purchased a new desk for my  daughter’s room, one that ‘fit’ her needs.. had all the shelves and cabinets, pedistal for the computer monitor, place for the computer tower to sit… all the bells with whistles thrown in.

After purchasing this massive and REALLY HEAVY RTA desk (who knew sawdust and glue could throw your back out?  I mean really.. sawDUST) I dropped it in my living room.  About 30 minutes after it was on the floor it looked like a hurricane had come through and torn everything apart.

If you’ve put one of these descendants of the Gordian Knot together you know how tediously complicated they can be.  Granted if it’s a bookshelf, it’s not THAT bad…  But a desk with the bells and whistles?  ‘nuf said.

It took me ALL DARNED DAY to put this beast together.  I ran between the living room and the bedroom taking pieces back and forth, the instructions were not that helpful.  I did learn one thing over the years; take the package of connecting parts and put them in some kind of bowl.  This way all the screws, nails, wood dowels and such are in one place.

The one killer thing that didn’t happen this time is the dreaded missing part, or parts.  I mean you’ve got your furniture almost completely assembled and you find you don’t have the shelf to put the dvd, cable box, or computer on…  Then after a serious nervous breakdown you realize that you have to call that support number listed on the instructions.

No, you can’t go back to the store and ask to take a part out of another box… to pass the pain along to the next sucker who will spend hours and hours struggling with RTA, no.. you must call the people who packed the box in the first place.

Fortunately the times I have done this, the people on the other end of the phone were nice and willing to mail me any part that I needed.  And usually when the package arrives in the mail there are ‘extra’ parts just in case…  But the thing is, that the furniture isn’t completed until you get that part, and sometimes that can take 5-7 business days!  UGH.   And you must always be extra careful when moving this stuff, I mean, you built it yourself right?  If you bust it up moving it around your place or across country, you can expect another RTA storm…

On a side note, I purchased more furniture for my sons’ room, and I didn’t have to assemble those pieces.. but I’m considering putting a new desk in their room as well…. considering..

So to all of you part time furniture assemblers, those of us who seek out ‘ok’ furniture at a very cheap price, I salute you!  It makes me feel a little better to know that I’m not the only one out there fudging with this insanely time wasting and complicated stuff.  After all it’s only furniture right?